JUNE 23, 1995 GAY PEOPLE's ChrONICLE 27

BIG TIPS

Her lover tells her: After school is husband, kids, suburbs

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I showered with my ficus this morning. It was looking so pale, I knew it needed more than just its usual Dixie cupful, but I felt guilty leaving the shower on for all that time...so I hopped in. The rhythmic pounding of water on its leaves made a nice accompaniment to my lusty rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" but it wasn't a bit of help when it got to scrubbing my back. Next time I'm bathing with the spruce. Dearest Tipper,

Does one live for the day or does one live for the future? Can one's life goals change radically and can one push them to change? These questions are confronting me, questions which I hope you can help me answer.

I am a part-time college student, parttime employee and full-time out lesbian. Since last summer I have been involved in a wonderful relationship with a young woman I met in a tavern near campus. After years of pain growing up a lesbian in a small town, I feel that I finally have found bliss. My girlfriend and I spend most of our free time together. Since I have my own apartment, my lover spends the night quite often. Our sex life is great, but we mostly enjoy snuggling and talking.

It was during one of our cuddle sessions last week that a bomb dropped on me. My honey casually mentioned that she intends to marry (a man) and have kids after she gets her degree. In other words, she considers herself a lesbian until graduation. This despite the fact that she has never had sex with a man, never dated one, and has said she wouldn't mind a planet of women.

Needless to say, I am stunned. Although we'd never had any set plans, I was anțicipating spending my life with this woman. Now I have to figure out whether she is trying to conform to straight standards. I can't believe she'd ever be interested in an actual man instead of the idea of the hetero dream. I believe this could be just talk on her part. On the other hand, she could really mean what she says. If so, I don't want to invest much more of my soul in a relationship that will inevitably break my heart. What's your take on the matter?

Shellshocked

Dear A Man Lurks on the Planet of Women, How insulting! Was she planning on returning you before or after the rented cap and gown? Here's a little tip for the readership at large: It is always extremely bad form, when snuggling with one's only/primary lover, to inform her or him that you'll be leaving the relationship for someone you don't know yet, no matter what gender. When this faux pas is compounded by the cowardice of the closeted and the homo-dabblers, the crime has surpassed gaucherie: it's homophobic.

Now, your lover may just want to have a life that holds as few challenges as possible, so she'll shove cake in her husband's mouth

for the video camera, squeeze out the acceptable number of pups and fade into the landscape of respectability. And she'll pay the exhausting toll of living a lie.

En el otro mano, I don't know what your lover's relationship history is, but she may not have been with anyone that she felt she could settle down with yet, and the only images she's seen of what she wants are with a man. If you are so deeply in love with her that you were picturing a whole life with her, have you told her that? Do you want children? Your lover may want a long-term committed relationship replete with poopy diapers, and doesn't realize that she could have that with you, and what's more, you were already planning on it. Time for a chat, don't you think?

I hope your hon is just in the middle of coming out, and that, to paraphrase George Clinton, she's "freed her ass, and her mind will follow." Do a little research and find support groups for gay, lesbian, and bisexual couples, and for queers with, or considering, kids. I'll cross my fingers that she goes your way.

Dear M.T.,

Please help me with any information you may have on this topic, because I'm going crazy. Actually, not really crazy, but I've been on Prozac for two years to combat a lifelong depression. It's really working for me and life feels much more promising, except for one problem. I'm finally not too depressed to pursue a relationship, but the (only) side effects I'm experiencing from the drug are inability to have an orgasm, and an almost complete lack of sexual desire. I desire the desire, if you know what I mean. I'm not in a relationship right now, so the orgasm thing isn't too tortuous, but I'm afraid that I'll never be with anyone again, and if I was, I'd have to be "stone" against my will, if you know what I mean. This is depressing, and that is not the point of being on this drug. Help!

Dear Proze and Cons,

Prozac Woes

I tapped nurse practitioner Chester, and Dr. Rob, my shrink friend, for some antidepressant info. The side effects that you're experiencing are very common with the use of seratonin re-uptake inhibitors like Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil, because the seratonin that the drugs manipulate is intimately tied to sexual arousal and performance. Of course, this dysfunction has been noted more often in men because women are less likely than the average woody-free guy to report problems achieving orgasm.

Interestingly, this very subject is discussed in this month's issue of On Our Backs, in a roundtable on depression, Prozac and sex. Two women mention taking different forms of a drug to alleviate these sexual side effects: yohimba bark and yohimbine. Yohimba bark is available in natural food stores and

through naturopaths, and yohimbine is a drug prescribed by docs for men with erectile problems and occasionaly to women with lack of sexual desire or inability to achieve orgasm. Yohimbine hydrochloride, aka Yocon, is the alkaloid bound in Rubaceae and related trees, and can possibly cause increased anxiety, is mildly diuretic, is a mild aphrodesiac, and is not recommended for pregnant women. It can be used in combination with Prozac, but not with the MOA family of antidepressants. Because it's not approved by the FDA, different insurance companies may have differing policies regarding coverage.

One of the first things you might want to

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talk to your doc about is switching from Prozac to another related drug, like Paxil or Zoloft. Sometimes that works, and you can usually just start taking the new drug right away without waiting for the former one to leave your system. If that doesn't work, the Yohimbine's worth a shot. It doesn't work for everyone, but people who've experienced relief are as happy as clams in a queer clam bar. Good luck. ✓

Send questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland OH 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com (on America Online, ChronOhio); or fax to 216-631-1082.

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